


look me in the eyes

by trappedbyvellichor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drinking Games, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Underage Drinking, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, i mean yes pretty drunk and pretty gay, thats enough tags for today
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trappedbyvellichor/pseuds/trappedbyvellichor
Summary: Prompt on tumblr: “look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t feel the same way” feel free to break my heart with it if you want to :)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	look me in the eyes

**Author's Note:**

> i love the angst, so enjoy

Heat crept up Remus’s neck, and butterflies raged in his stomach. The bottle slowed down, before stopping right in front of him.

Sirius’s eyes were alight with mischief, but there was a prickle of fear.

One that wrenched Remus’s gut.

The prickling feeling of eyes on him only intensified, and the warmth seemed to suffocate him more. The common room seemed to light up just a little, and the carpet to the broom cupboard glowed, courtesy to a chortling James.

“You’ll find out how good his lips taste,” drawled Marlene, almost slurring, with a smirk.

“Do I have to do this?” Mumbled Remus in fear, more to himself.

“Oh come _on_ ,” started Lily, on the couch, a little too loud for Remus’s calm.“You’ve wanted this forever, just embrace it!”

“Seven minutes in _heaven_ , Moony,” said Sirius with a grin, almost excitedly.

Remus bit the side of his mouth, to get his hazy mind sharp again.

Seven Minutes in Heaven. Remus couldn’t decide whether he wanted to kill Lily or hug her for introducing this new muggle game to them. He’d just watched Mary and Frank jump out hastily, both breathless and red in the face.

_What if that happened to him?_

_What if it didn’t?_

Suddenly, he was being pushed by a tipsy Lily, and was facing Sirius, trying to swallow the hazy fear that rose up in his chest.

“Oh come on, Moony. D’you doubt my kissing skills?”

"I’m only doubting how long you’ll last mine,” said Remus, the words falling out his lips before he could stop them.

Immature “Ooh”’s rose up from the ground, and Sirius’s eyes widened in shock. Wishing he could bite back the words, Remus shuffled his feet.

“W- well,” stuttered Sirius, before regaining balance. “Why don’t we find out?”

Shakily standing up, Remus cast a reluctant glance over his shoulder at Lily who merely winked back. Sighing, he forced a smile at Sirius, following him to the broom closet.

A warm hand clasped his own, and butterflies raged as anxiousness fell down his stomach like a sinking stone. 

The door suddenly slammed shut, and any dim light had completely disappeared.

“Lumos,” he whispered in that voice.

His face was illuminated. Sparkling grey eyes shimmered, and he licked his lips. His _lips_ \- they were so close.

“You don’t have to do this,” whispered Remus in a sober daze, ignoring the magnetic pull Sirius seemed to have.

He could feel Sirius’s warm breath against his cheek, and swallowed tightly, trying to keep himself intact.

“But I want to,” said Sirius earnestly, half tipsy.

_This wasn’t a good idea._

_He should back out of it._

But an alluring pull that surrounded Sirius seemed to draw him in. The same one that kept him from fleeing.

Remus’s hairs stood up at end as Sirius’s hand travelled over his waist, and he almost closed the space. 

Sirius was making this impossibly difficult.

“Sirius, _please_. This won’t work out.”

“Shut up Moony,” said Sirius gently. “You always overthink everything.”

But there was something about the way Sirius’s eyes glimmered in the light, that spark of affection that Remus couldn’t resist.

Before he could gain sense of himself, Sirius’s back was against a wall and the space between them was closed. 

It felt like the world was falling beneath them, but time stood still. It was everything Remus’d ever wanted, passion and desire pulsing through him, beating with his heart, which was rapid against his chest.

But he wanted it. God, he wanted it.

Until he came to his senses, the taste of Sirius’s lips less desirable, rather making him sick to the stomach.

He quickly pulled away, feeling pain pierce through his chest. It felt like stripping himself, and hurt more than ever. But it had to be done. 

The split second of horror, or fear, in Sirius’s eyes almost convinced him to change his mind.

_Almost_.

The air was suddenly rushing at his face, through his sweaty hair, though rushing out of his lungs. His lungs and muscles were burning, before the cold air of winter was freezing him. 

The party was far behind. So was the warmth and friendliness.

Desperately looking around himself for some sort of support, Remus found himself in the divination tower. The scented rosemary and aconite incense only clouded his hazy realisation, making the piercing fear even worse.

“Moony?”

The voice calmed so much, but waves of terror rose in him.

“No,” he whispered shakily.

“Moony, come on, it’s okay,” said Sirius gently.

Remus turned around, and in the dim light of a crescent moon, he saw the hurt left on Sirius’s face- that he left.

“Fuck, Sirius, it isn’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because,” started Remus, faltering. “Because it’ll never work out. And I could never put you, or myself, through-”

“Why won’t it?”

Growling impatiently, Remus gestured aggressively at himself, making Sirius flinch.

“Because I’m a fucking monster!”

“Moony,” said Sirius, his voice breaking painfully. “You aren’t a monster. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted since fifth year, you’re everything that kept me alive in the stupid house, fuck, Moony, you’re everything but a monster.”

“Don’t say that,” said Remus quietly. “I’ll believe you.”

“Believe me,” said Sirius earnestly. “I mean it!”

“No. I don’t know when you’ll change. And I can’t take that chance.”

Anger and hurt flashed over his eyes, and Remus’s heart skipped a beat.

“Do you really think that low of me?”

His voice was accusatory; all the rage that Remus couldn’t bare to hear all directed at him. He felt like he’d burn.

“I didn’t think that low of my father, did I?”

“I’m not your father!”

“How do I know that? How do I know you won’t just leave me? Everyone else has, what makes you any different?!”

The words were out there before Remus could stop them. Sirius flinched back, pain shining over his glassy eyes. But his voice was remarkably steady, with a fiery finality to it that scoured through Remus’s veins.

“Look me in the eyes, and tell me that you don’t feel the same way.”

The words were challenging him, bringing confessions at the edge of Remus’s tongue.

“I don’t,” spat out Remus, like the words were poison. In essence, they were, because they poisoned every part of Remus, infecting everything he loved.

Something flickered across Sirius’s eyes, before he stormed out of the room with a fire in his steps.

Leaving Remus in cold pain and fear, wondering what he’d done.


End file.
